Assorted Ravings of the Slightly-Weird

An Open Letter

It occured to me that what I'm going through may very well be the much-vaunted quarter-life crisis. You read about these things on the papers and you read the interviews about people who have gone through the same thing but somehow it's so different when it happens to you. The good thing is, at least I know I'm not the only one facing this.

Life was so much harder for people of our parents' age and paradoxically simpler as well. Harder in the sense that they had to work at it so much more to bring us up and to give us a good lifestyle but simpler because honestly they had no choice. Right now, I'm faced with so many options that it becomes difficult to tell myself to just bear with it because I have choices. I don't have financial obligations tying me down and I can go wherever I want and it is precisely this freedom that is the problem. I'm honestly scared to take a chance and quit my job because this may be the best one I'll ever get and yet the option to do so remains.

I don't know how much longer this malaise will take. So today I've decided to make a list of things I am grateful for, to try and cheer myself up.

I am thankful for my family and my friends. You are my support network and you guys have patiently borne with me as I go through my very wild mood swings; through black faces at the dinner table; through sudden spurts of crying; through occasional moments of normality. You've kept me sane by logically and rationally going through everything with me and by keeping me occupied, and you've also slapped me silly when I was being ridiculous.

I am thankful for my job. Even though I don't like it very much at this moment, I am thankful that I am gainfully employed and that I get a regular paycheck. I am thankful that I get as much travel opportunities that I have, and that I have the freedom to do what I want.

I am thankful for my colleagues. They've covered for me over these two trying weeks and I am grateful to them for that. Without them I would have quit a long time ago.

I am thankful for my health and for being physically able. I am thankful that I get the chance every weekend to go out there and forget everything by playing softball or playing tennis or playing basketball.

And finally, to you:

I am thankful for 2+ months of happy times with you. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I want you to know that I'm thankful for the Sunday nights we spent cuddling under the covers watching TV, for the lunch dates and for the nights out, for putting our photos up on Friendster, for letting me into your life for a fleeting moment. I know I did stupid things over the last two weeks but I hope you'll see that it was under extenuating circumstances because I heard nothing from you, even before the huge blow-up. I'm not blaming you for the stupid things that I did (and you have the right to be angry with me for that) but I was pissed off too, I had no information to try and act upon, and I reacted stupidly. I take full responsibility for my actions and I hope you'll accept this apology. I can't turn back time, I can't undo my actions so I can only offer my explanation for why I did them and tell you that I'm sorry. And I hope you'll come to see that I'm not the only person to be blamed here; that your actions and your words and your refusal to communicate drove me to what I did. I got past what you did to me so I hope you can get past what I did.

I'll be here for you whenever you need me and hopefully, one day you'll get in touch.

Posted by scrabbyfoo at June 14, 2006 06:05 PM