July 03, 2006
To You:
It's been a 
fairly tiring weekend with 2 weddings on the same day, 2 games on the same day, and some World Cup action. Looks like it's now Euro 2006 instead of World Cup 2006, since everyone else is totally out of it. Sigh.
Anyway, I had said earlier that I needed to cool down first before blogging and while I've cooled down already I've still spent most of the day (while working on some valuation spreadsheet) thinking about what I really want to say*.
Here goes.
In any friendship or relationship, there has to be some kind of 2-way traffic for things to work. Over the past few weeks my friends have been trying to tell me (some very nicely, others not so) to "wake up my fucking idea" and I've stubbornly resisted because I've been holding on to some kind of ideal. Until Sunday. And all it took was 4 simple words to get me to throw up my hands in disgust and refuse to be a doormat any longer.
I now know the limit to the amount of shit I can take. You cannot expect me to pander to your every whim while not taking my calls or sporadically replying to emails/msgs. If we're even going to be friends you have to be there for me as I am for you. It's not going to work when you decide to reach out to me only when you need something, and ignore me the rest of the time. I don't owe you anything; in fact it would be the other way around.
I can still be a friend to you and I still want to be a friend to you but honestly, do you think you deserve this friendship? I've had enemies treat me better. After you screwed up, you dangled the incentive of getting back together and then flaked on me not once, but twice. You totally disappeared on me and while what I did was stupid, what you did was wrong. It's as simple as that.
I'm over paying the price for my stupidity. I'm over feeling sad or guilty about my actions because honestly, there was no need for me to feel that way in the first place. I'm over being deliberately vague on my blog so as to protect you and not push you away. You were the one who screwed up; I was the one who reacted stupidly. You were the one that took what we had and threw it out the window; I offered it back to you twice, only to have you throw it right back at my face. And though I still miss you, if it's going to be like this where everything is dictated by you, then I will do without you.
I'd much rather hang on to the happy memories I still have of us together than to ruin them any further with every stunt that you pull. When I look back at this, I want to smile when I think of you. I don't want my memory of you to be tainted any more by all this. And if this pisses you off, then that's too bad. Because I think deep down you know exactly what you're giving up.
I've laid out exactly what I want and I've told you what I want to do to make things work between us. If you cannot appreciate having me in your life, if you cannot even treat me as a friend should be treated, with the proper respect and care that I deserve, then go ahead; shut me out. If you somehow still want me to be in your life, then you know what you should do.
I'm done trying to tell you what you should already know. It's up to you now.
* Of course, what I initially wanted to say couldn't pass the censors.
Posted by scrabbyfoo at July 3, 2006 06:40 PM